How to know if you’ve married the wrong person?

People marry for all the possible reasons. But one of the greatest is love. 

After a rosy dating period of two years, John married Nicole, to her great happiness. She liked everything about him. They enjoyed great sex together and endless conversations over a cup of morning coffee or a glass of red wine in the evening. Years passed by and John was losing respect in Nicole’s eyes. He stopped being the ‘crazy John’, full of ideas for adventures, and instead, he became a couch potato. He had to commute to a job which he didn’t enjoy and all of this had an effect on his marriage. He grew angry with the whole world, unable to be happy about anything and complaining.

Nicole while loading the dishwasher said to herself: “I have married the wrong person. Or had I?”

How to find out if you married the wrong person?

Let go of the one and only Prince Charming

Usually, women dream of a knight on a white horse which is an ideal, that doesn’t exist. The truth is we all marry the wrong person. For some reason, after the rosy period of the first dates, especially when we live together, we see the flaws, the lacks, and the problems of our partner. 

The thing is, we don’t need to straightaway abandon our partner, just because he doesn’t live up to the prince charming. Hollywood romantic movies are not based on reality. Personally, I know no couple who is perfect and who would be like straight from the movie scene. It’s the gap between expectation and reality that generates your life’s disappointments. 

happy mariage

Learn acceptance 

Switch off Netflix and switch on your brain. Learn to accept your partner the way he or she is. 

Even if before marriage you looked like a model and your hobby pumped up in the gym and now, in your fifties, you both have a beer belly, that’s alright. Time passes by and our bodies change. Instead of calling your partner fat, show him understanding and compassion. Maybe even you could both decide to try jogging together? Remember that both men and women want to feel accepted and cherished, despite the circumstances. 

Communicate 

Many couples don’t talk to each other. Stressful lives and careers, commuting, and bringing up children often leaves us with no space for intimate conversation. When people marry, buy a house, and have children they tend to run an enterprise together. An enterprise called marriage. They are like business partners setting up the details of the kids’ education, grocery shopping, holidays, and house cleaning. 

Intimate conversation is crucial to mutual understanding. Both partners need to know what is happening in the heart of the other. Then, you can easily spot the signals, which contribute to so many couples parting. You can be observant, learn to talk about your needs if they are neglected. Learn to listen to your partner and his needs. Good communication and intimacy prevent your marriage from becoming an enterprise. Conversation brings people closer and ties the bonds. 

There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage. We often marry persons who show us our lacks and mirror our attitude to ourselves and to the external world. Maybe it runs in your family. Maybe your father divorced when he was 45 and now you catch yourself on the thought that you repeated his scenario. 

All people who come into our lives teach us something. Happy marriages are those in which partners don’t have huge expectations, respect each other, accept themselves the way they are, and communicate.

Is there anything you would add to it?

With love,

Aleksandra 

Author: Aleksandra Bzdzikot - Certified Family Constellations Therapist, Certified Art Therapist

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